not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
No subtext here. People are naked.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
