And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
