I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
