OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
