What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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