Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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