Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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