I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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