i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
