At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
