the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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