how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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