I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just invented taco cereal.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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