I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
