Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
