One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
