I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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