I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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