You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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