Someone shit on the floor
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
