im drinking this country out of the recession.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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