You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
