had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
