I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
