aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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