note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
