and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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