My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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