The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I said "one day" and that day is not today
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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