in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
only you would photoshop your dick
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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