I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
