I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My dad just said "fuck circus"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
