Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
