Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
