I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
