Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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