I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
