I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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