i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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