I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
