so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
