Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Found the puke drawer
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
