We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
