I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
