Your dad touched me again.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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