I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize