Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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