i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
