I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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