Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
