awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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