I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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