I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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